There's just one thing that I need to feel before I walk away against my will.

This song's been stuck in my head for the past 2 days. You see, I decided to watch again the whole lot of Grey's Anatomy and I stumbled upon this song in one of the episodes in Season 2. It's the episode wherein Shepherd and Grey need to operate on an Asian girl but can't because she lost one of her "souls" so they brought in a shaman to perform a ritual to find it before the operation.

What does it mean to lose one of your souls? And exactly how many souls reside in one person? Maybe there's a soul for every organ in our body, and maybe there's also one for every emotion that we feel. If that's the case, then I think I might be losing one of my souls now. You see, there's been precious little to be happy about in my life in the past few weeks.

I buried 2 relatives last week. The last of my grandparents, my dad's mum, died 2 Saturdays after last. She was 100 years old and was already pushing towards 101 hadn't she died 5 days short of her birthday. Then on the Wednesday after last, we got a call from Cavite, saying that my Tita Linda died too. She's my mother's cousin and sister-in-law. We had to shuffle back and forth from Cavite to Quezon City almost everyday until we buried them last week.

I don't know what I'm hanging on to right now. To see people that I love ripped from my life that sudden made me think about what I have done with my life. It is not enough. Nothing I do will ever be enough for you, for anyone, for love.

The memory of this still reminds me of you.

Why does life become complicated when we get older? Aaron said its because our pile of responsibilities grow as we age. Come to think of it, when we were kids, all we ever thought about was keeping the balloon that our parents snagged for us from a birthday party in our hands, or keeping our faces clean after eating ice cream, or making sure that we don't trip ourselves and fall down on our faces in front of our friends. Simple, sometimes candid, stuff. But now that I got older, I found out that there's more to life's responsibilities than wiping away sticky ice cream remains from the corners of my mouth.

In the past couple of weeks, my life has been a whirlwind of deadlines, requirements and emotions. By just saying the word "THESIS" makes me morph into a undecipherable, stuttering monster that foams at the mouth with the thought of the revisions that I have in store for me. Add my reports, papers and exams for my two other subjects. Total chaos. I usually would rant at the workload given to us but now, I've been asking myself what good would it do to rant? I would only be wasting precious time (and saliva) in doing so, when I could put all of the effort in making (and beating) the deadlines. Kabam. Responsibility. Things wouldn't have gotten this hectic and compressed if I worked on my papers on time. Before I could blame a thousand people why I got smothered in papers and readings except myself but now I know that I only have myself to blame. Oh well. I'm already here, right? I just have to make the best of it and pray to God that I finish everything on time.

Congratuations to Kuya Guido, Ate Tess, Carl, Patty and Charisse. Tapos na paghihirap niyo sa school. Goodluck sa working life. Dito lang kami para sa inyo palagi. :) Carl donuts! :)

But floating is what you do. That is beautful, that is you.

No pretensions or anything. I just want you to know that I'm very happy for you. I hope that you find the peace that you've been looking for.

Vaya con Dios.

Spent the weekend in Mardane's spankin' new house in Alabang with Chelle, Pao, Nica and Dono. It was my first ever college sleepover, and I made sure that I had tons of fun. Had a drinking spree with the guys after dinner with out other friends Toska, GSM Blue, GSM with Pineapple (courtesy of Dono) and SanMig Light. It was then that I learned that I can hold my drink pretty well. :) Managed to finish off the vodka without one "incident" and soon, only Nica, Dono, Mardane, Pao and I were left at the table. Chelle had a very nasty incident earlier and had to sleep it off. Good thing I got out of the way just in time or else my pants would have been covered in tahong. :) :) :) Joke lang Chelle, you know we love you. :)

After finishing off most of the drinks, that's when the real conversation commenced. It was the first time that I opened up almost everything to my friends and it felt good releasing some things off my chest. Everyone had their share of stories and it felt as if the bond that had kept us all together was strengthening itself again, adding a new layer of glue.

I will never forget those two days, guys. Thank you so much for being my friends. Nothing can ever replace Mardane's clear thinking, Chelle's funny but direct words, Nica's ever-listening ears, Dono's helping hand and Pao's sensitivity, and most of all, nothing can replace the love and comfort that you have shown me. Panalo kayo talaga. :) History Majors rock. :) Hanggang sa uulitin. :)

"Perche mi schiante?"

In my perusal of Matthew Pearl's The Dante Club, I find myself falling in love once again with the Italian language. It was the first foreign language that I felt a passion for, stemmed from La Divina Commedia's Inferno (Dante Alighieri). It's crazy but I just feel the intense need to learn, know, speak and internalize the language. And I find that I really want to hear the language spoken, hear the same words that Dante used in his masterpiece.

Turn away.

Don't want you to see me cry.

Now I know how Maria feels.

A week ago, I was working on my film reading on the movie "Rent". Haa RENT. Just the mere mention of it brings me back to my Holy days. This musical, cleverly crafted by Jonathan Larson, which is based on Puccini's "La Boheme", has already occupied a chunk of my heart. I remember hearing "Seasons of Love" during my elementary days. and knowing and loving the entire show during my highschool years. Thank God they decided to make a movie out of it. Now that I've seen it in its entirety, there is no doubt that this musical is one of the best Broadway shows and movies ever. :)

No day but today. One of the memorable lines from my favorite musical. Four short words, but enough to shake me and bring me back to reality. It simply means making the most of your everyday life, and not missing out on any opportunities. For the eight friends in Rent, with half of them afflicted with AIDS, this was the line which they lived by. They did everything: from dancing on table tops to singing out on their balconies, from falling in love to dying. They did not waste a minute of their time. They measured their lives in love.

That's what I want to do. Measure my life in love. Well, I already started living out "No Day But Today". I'm trying to stop procrastinating, and am striving to be more productive each day. I know I can do it. I don't want to miss out on life's gifts anymore. I'll leave the past behind, but I'll carry with me the lessons that I have learned. Semper fi.

I remember this one morning when I was in L'Hermitage, fixing up the place for SALIKSIK when Kuya Ric, one of our coordinators in the Lasallian Pastoral Office, texted me and asked me to define wisdom. I replied, telling him the definition that popped into my head.

Wisdom is the insight of the soul.

I don't know where that came from, probably because I am still lacking the wisdom that I need. But in what I have seen, the wisest people on the planet have experienced much, learned from those experiences, and put to use the things that they have garnered from those encounters. Well, Solomon is an exception. :)

Sometimes I wish that I had my hands (and head) opened up wide when God showered wisdom on the people so that I could be one of the wisest people on earth. But then again, I think it's more fun when you're going through these experiences that when you are finished with it, you become wiser, and more confident of yourself.

Did I ever mention how I love reading the blogs of the Jesuit priests? I do. They never fail to brighten up my day, and gather some insights from their wisdom-packed entries. Check out some of my links here, especially In My Father's House and Silent Dewdrops. Beautiful words with deep meanings.

I hope everybody's safe and sound. :)

Stay Happy. :)

This is what Rico Robles said when he got out of the Pinoy Big Brother House last night. It kind of stuck to me, maybe because he kept on saying it over and over again.

It really amazes me when stars and celebrities like Rico show to people how deep their faith in their God is. I get inspired by them to do better in serving my God, and in doing good to everyone.

Finally, hell week is over. I only have one report and three papers to go, a great relief from the countless assignments and reports that I had to prepare last week. Not to mention the horrific Spanish class that we had last Thursday. Oh man, that was one tough class. Probably the hardest that I experienced in my two terms of taking Spanish classes. Oh well, at least I'm enjoying my classes. Es muy facil pero tambien dificil.

Another new week is up and running, and I'm looking forward to it. Sayang lang sa Saturday. Juno, Vanessa and I were planning to go out to Eastwood, catch the new Amanda Bynes movie, and chill the afternoon away but we can't. It's Vanessa's dad's birthday on Saturday. Oh well. There's always a next time. Maybe Juno and I will go ahead or we'll just reschedule the gimmick for another day.

I hope everybody's doing fine, and that they're doing well in their studies. Congratulations to my brother Jayvee, Eunice and James for making it finally (especially James) to their graduation. Kudos to you guys. Good luck with the corporate life. Also, I want to say my goodbyes to JayJay, who's leaving for the States on the 28th. Good luck with your new life. Aral na dude, you're going to need it, especially there. I will always be your friend.

Goodnight everyone. :)

I finally finished reading the book of The Count of Monte Cristo. I have watched the movie first, and I found both the book and the film to be really enchanting. It entraps you in a spiral of vengeance and retribution that only Jim Caviezel, playing as Edmond Dantes/the Count of Monte Cristo in the movie, can bring. But as all movies that are based on novels go, they tend to shy away from the orginal text.

Retribution and vengeance. Two of the main themes that I see in the story, both interconnected by the twisting plot of the tale. There are times when I wish that I had Monte Cristo's cunning and ruthlessness to be able to bring down the people who had "tortured" me. But unfortunately (or fortunately for their sake), I am too kind to even give them a scathing glance. I just swallow everything that they do and everything that they say, bottle it all up inside me, and find a safe and harmless way to let go of it. So much for vengeance.

But then again, after receiving a very enlightening e-mail from Ryx, I have additional proof on the saying that not everything can be solved by violence. He sent me an e-mail entitled the 90/10 Principle, and there were these lines that struck me the most:

Enlightenment and happiness galore. The numerous insults, oodles of frigid glances, and the countless snitchings and bitchings are not worth my time. I have my family and my friends with me, and I know that with them, my life and my reactions are enough.